I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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