Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
