I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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