mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
