Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
be right there i have to get my cape
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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