If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
