saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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