i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
