Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
