I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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