I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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