i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
porn star boner night. come get it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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