Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
