Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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