this beer tastes like vomit already
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
