you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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