Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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