wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
soo... how was my night?
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