Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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