I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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