while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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