Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
