I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My feet surprised me
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize