the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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