Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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