Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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