bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My dick has a subreddit
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
