she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
