I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
