And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
