Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I could have mohawked her pubes.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize