I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
