WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
