margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
