so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
