i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
only you would photoshop your dick
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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