I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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