I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
