I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
