I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
