I could make wine with my vomit
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I don't deserve a penis
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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