how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
