Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize