1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
