oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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