I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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