I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
