didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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