Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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