oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i will never coherently bang her
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
