i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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