it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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