I heard we made out
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
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