Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
