If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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