He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
