can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
